Snuffleupagus

If you are reading this post expecting it to be about Sesame Street, you should probably stop reading now.  This post is about men who masturbate in public.

If you just read the last sentence and your eyes started bleeding, you should probably stop reading.

If you are my parents, for God-sake, STOP READING!!

Let's be honest, I know they're going to read on, I know them too well.

In Norway Julia and I were having drinks and we were swapping all kinds of funny stories, when she told me about her experience with the New York City subway system, and the various instances in which she had encountered men, well, flogging their molly, having a wank or whatever you want to call it.  I was in disbelief that people could be so disgusting.  And there were multiple stories, multiple! including: a homeless man "sleeping" on a train packed with women, just holding his business with both hands, like it was a cup of hot coffee...in this story, the book Julia was holding immediately doubled as a shield just.in.case;  an empty train and a twenty-something business man (in a three piece suit) at the opposite end swinging his junk around like the blades of a helicopter; and finally, two-pump Johnny sitting two people down and across from her on a train...no one thought it was silly sting dude, NO ONE!!! I'm so in shock that Julia has experienced these things. I will admit that I often prompt her to tell the stories to new groups of people we hang out with, because the way she tells the stories are so funny, inevitably, I end up in tears because I'm laughing so hard!  You can't make this crap up!

Then it made me kind of paranoid, because what if I saw someone...what would I do?! On our train ride to the airport when flying to Venice, Julia and I sat across from a man watching his iPad.  Okay, lets just say this guy had "masturbates on trains" written all over him, right down to the thick gold chain tangled in his creepy, ginger chest hair, proudly displayed for the world to see.  I started watching his hands and then began to regret not taking out my contacts in favor of my glasses for the ride.  I like my eyes, I want to keep them, BOTH! I have a friend whose roommate almost lost an eye in a tequila shooting accident, I can't imagine what...silly string would do!?! The panic subsided as I saw him doze off, another quick hand check and....we're good!  Whew!  As we waited for the plane Julia told me that she was watching him too!

That was weeks ago and since then I'd really forgotten to be on the look out or paranoid in any sense of the word.  And wouldn't you know it, the minute I stop being wary, that's when it happens.  When I walk to the tube from my house, I walk down a small connecting street to avoid the busy corner.  Ahead of me were two green garage doors and in front of them stood a man with his back to me.  I just kept walking because I thought he was peeing or possibly tagging the garage, because he kept looking over his shoulder.  I saw that he had no teeth because suddenly, he was smiling.  I was half way down the road when I realized what he was doing.  That wasn't a spray paint can he was shaking, but that garage door was never going to be the same....SWEET JESUS!!  Internally, I panicked and thought about turning around and running, but he had seen me...EFFFF!  And let's be honest, I was worried that my running away would alarm him, which might cause him to think: "Why is that woman running away? What's happening? DANGER! I better run too? I'm in danger, no time to put this thing away!!" which would inevitably lead to my being chased down the street by a man with his Snuffleupagus hanging out. OKAY, Plan B: just look at the ground and walk. PLAY. IT. COOL.  I hate plan B.  There was a street's width between us, which wasn't and will never be enough space.  How did the few other people and cars on the street not see this!?!  Well, because apparently London is like Sesame Street and people are use to seeing Snuffleupagus ALL THE TIME!!!