Stigma

A little less than two years ago I found myself in a place I'd never been before.  I guess you could say that things had been building over the past six year or so, and had finally come to a head.   I was a mess.  On the outside things looked okay, but I was struggling.  The breaking point came when I had a total melt down over rescheduling a time to meet up for a tailgate party.  I got off the phone and immediately called poor Cassie back and told her "I'm going to take a nap and change my diaper and then I'll be ready for the game. I'm so sorry!  I don't know where that came from?!"  Later that summer I went to the doctor because I wasn't sleeping, I was emotional (a gross understatement), withdrawing from social situations, becoming overwhelmed easily, and the list goes on.  Basic things like the daily task of getting ready or going out with friends resulted in a kind of ongoing narrative in my head.  "Okay, you need to walk the dog and then have a cup of coffee and you'll then have enough momentum to take a shower and get ready.  Then you'll feel better."  I was having to give myself pep talks to do almost everything.  On the weekends if I had committed to more than one event I felt overwhelmed and often cancelled one or all because it took so much emotional energy to get there, to be present, interact, and enjoy myself.  Those of you who know me know how much I LOVE people!  I love being around people of all shapes and sizes and often feel at home with those I've just met.  As a child, at the ripe old age of five, I made friends with a wino at Lake Lowell and invited him back for dinner.  At conferences my parents often heard "She's very social."  Which is a nice way of saying "Your kid won't shut her gob!"  Needless to say, I've never met a stranger!

Having just finished my fifth, and most difficult, year teaching I wondered if I had it in me to continue teaching for the rest of my career.   The thought of retiring as a middle school teacher literally made me feel like I wanted to curl up in a hole and die.  It was physically exhausting to think about.  In the previous years along with teaching I had undertaken a masters full time, was running a Young Life group at the school, advising student council, coaching tennis, hosting a weekly bible study at my house, running an after school program going on it's 4th year, teaching summer school, subbing for night school and occasionally working at the Rec Center in the evenings as the Night Supervisor. It was the first time in my life I felt so overwhelmed by things that I honestly loved doing.  I loved teaching and being around my students!  I just couldn't figure out why I felt so on edge all the time.  My poor boss would see me coming and grab the box of kleenex before I even got into his office, knowing the floodgates were about to open.  So of course, I thought I had some kind of hormonal imbalance; certain I was pre-menapausal at 30, oh Lord!  When I went to the doctor he said it sounded like I was depressed.  In my head I though, "Jackass! I'm not depressed!  I'm making plans and I'm hopeful for the future! I'm looking forward to the next school year and I'm applying for grad school in London!" This is also why I'm not a doctor!  :)

What I didn't realize is that there are different kinds of depression and that I was most definitely depressed.  I assumed that if I were depressed I would have completely shut down and wouldn't have been able to function.  Stigma.  There it was, that word.  I had ascribed to the stigma surrounding depression and was immediately trying to separate myself from "it."  Growing up in the church there was a stigma surrounding issues like depression and I remember reading articles and books that frowned upon the use of anti-depressants.  Several insisted that seeking medical assistance for struggles with depression was a sign of weak faith.  Stigma.  If I could have willed or prayed myself to a better place, and believe me I tried, I would have.  I thought that by pushing forward I would see reward in the end and I would have some great epiphany about my struggle.  Stigma.  In truth, I was depressed and I wasn't capable of fixing anything without help.  I had been through counseling and was in the process of making major life changes, but I still couldn't manage to pull myself together.  

Today was the first time I had encountered the stigma surrounding depression from the other side and the reason I decided to write this blog.  I went into the doctor to check in, because a few weeks prior my medication had been reduced and she wanted to see how I was functioning.  The doctor I had previously seen was out sick so I was to see another doctor.  No problem.  I went into her office and sat down as she looked over the notes on the screen.  I told her I was just there to check back in because my prescription has been reduced.  She began asking me questions about how I felt.  I told her I felt fine, no difference really.  She said "I bet you're feeling less medicated?"  I told her that wasn't the case and that there wasn't really any change.  I told her that I was taking the max dose in the U.S. and it was different in the U.K. so I was fine to reduce my prescription and go from there because it was only a minor adjustment.  To which she replied, "Well, we're not so gung-ho about prescribing medication like they are in America." I explained to her that my doctor didn't just put me on the max dose and that it was a gradual process that took place over the course of a year.  Then she said, "I've never met anyone taking that much before." I felt like she was looking at me like I had three heads.   So, I explained to her that I'd had several conversations with my doctor and my brother and sister-in-law, who are psychologists, about my reservations about increasing my dosage.  And that it was a matter of figuring out where my baseline was.  I had been struggling for so long, I didn't know what normal felt like anymore.  I wanted to make sure I wasn't taking medication to make myself feel happier and happier and happier.  (Which my sister Bekah explained does not happen.)  She then told me that in the UK the only reason they prescribe that much is to treat people with Bulimia, "Do you have Bulimia?  Do you make yourself vomit?"  My response was, "Oh, I don't have the discipline to make myself throw up!"  I thought it was funny, but she apparently didn't.  Throughout the course of the rest of the conversation she asked me two more times if I made myself vomit.  She then asked me how long I was here for and if I had friends.  I told her I'd be her a year in total and assured her I had friends in London.  I explained to her the conversations I'd had with my doctor about this not being permanent and that I most likely wouldn't be on anti-depressants my whole life.  The rest of the appointment when pretty much like that and I left feeling frustrated, hurt, and deflated. 

I tell you this because it was the first time I'd ever had someone look at me and treat me the way she did.  She knew nothing about me accept what was written in a 1x5 inch box on a computer screen.  It was the first time I had encountered the other side of the stigma surrounding depression and it made me feel terrible.  I wasn't a person who has a life and goals.  I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people since I began being treated for depression, who've found themselves in the same place I was just a few years ago, experiencing the same struggles.  These conversations reassure me and remind me that I'm not alone, and I'm comforted by that.  I have also found that by listening and sharing my story with others, I find a deep sense of peace.  I'm thriving.  I'm happier than I've ever been and have again found the joy that I'd been missing for so many years. I'm pursuing my dreams and have recently taken an internship at a place called Core Arts, where I will be teaching art classes to people who have been marginalized their entire lives because of stigmas.  I realize that my little story pales in comparison to what many of them have experienced.  However, I feel fortunate to be able to be a part of something like Core and am certain it is where I'm supposed to be.  Maybe this is my great epiphany, the big Ah-Ha moment?  Or maybe its just another one of those things that draws me closer to my Creator and to those He created.  

Don't Feed the Monkeys

I'm Pro-Giraffe!   

Shortly after "The Great Walk," when I had gained feeling in my feet again, Sam, Avi and I decided to go to the zoo.  We  talked about it and made a plan to go on a Sunday.  We decided to meet at 1, and with only some minor difficulty, we all made it there around 1:45.  It was a cold, greyish day in January, so the zoo was less than crowded.  Although the sky threatened rain, it held off and we were able to see what we wanted.  Sam had his heart set on gorillas and penguins; Avi wanted to see the lions and tigers; and I wanted to see the giraffes and otters.   What we didn't realize was that The Monkey House was the place to be!

The Monkey House

 On the left side of the entrance there are two large plexiglass windows that reveal the inside of the shelter for the Bolivian Black-Capped Squirrel Monkeys.  They were tinny and there were so many of them.  What I didn't realize is that you actually get to go into their habitat and interact with them.  It's a netted off area with an open top created to replicate the rain forest in Bolivia and the monkeys are everywhere.  It was super cool to say the least.  We wound around the path and came to a stop where people were taking pictures of a few that were sitting on a post.  These little guys are super cute!  They are a little bigger than a cob of corn and are quick!  There were two volunteers  in oversized jackets standing close making sure no one grabbed the monkeys and vice versa.  As we watched, a woman with a stroller, sans baby, came near to the action.  Suddenly one of the monkeys jumped onto the stroller and picked up a bag that was tucked into the handle of the stroller and pulled out the remnants of a muffin and began eating it.  The volunteers panicked a little and tried to get to the little guy without success.  It was in the bushes within seconds, knowing that was his only chance of keeping his treat. The women in their huge jackets began jumping around sticking their arms and faces into the dense shrubbery in an attempt to locate the critter, who was now joined by an accomplice.  Due to the giggles in the crowd one of the women popped up and panted in her most serious voice about how it was not funny because of how bad the food is for the monkeys; which is entirely true, however from our perspective things looked a whole lot different.  The fact that these two women were flapping around in clownishly large coats trying desperately to catch two monkeys the size of corn cobs, hiding in a giant bush with contraband, was hilarious!  The monkeys were popping in and out of the bushes while the women tried their best to grab the remnants of the muffin from them.  It was like watching the hillbilly version of whack-a-mole.  After a bit a crowed had gathered, so we decided to move on to another exhibit as we had already seen the show.  

One of the things I appreciate most about the British is their sense of humor.  They have a very polite and humorous way of being honest.  As we approached The Monkey House I noticed a banner hanging on the outside of the entrance.  It had a cartoony character on it and was blue and white.  I didn't pay much attention  initially because I assumed it had to do with a kids camp or something similar.  On our way out of the monkey house, I looked over and noticed the same sign as before, but this time it wasn't obstructed.  It was a cartoon of a boy on one side holding his right hand in the air which contained four intact fingers and a bloody stump of a ring finger.  On the opposite side of the banner was a monkey sitting on a stump with blood running down its teeth and chin.  It read "Meet Norman Nine Finger (he tried to feed the monkeys) Please don't touch or feed the animals - they sometimes BITE! Bahahaha!  AWESOME!

Norman Nine Fingers

Avi being gobbled up by a lioness!

We proceeded to visit the penguins, otters, giraffes, lions, tigers, llamas (one of which had only one eye and had been given the name Captain, and was cartoonishly depicted in a sign with an eyepatch, classic!), pigs, camels, zebras, and all sorts of other animals!  It started spitting just as the zoo was about to close so we made our way to the only shelter we could find, the gift shop,  and warmed up a bit, well played zoo, well played!  We looked around and then headed out.  We walked back through Regents Park, which is filled with rugby fields, manicured gardens, walking paths and benches.  It was getting dark but the walk was crisp and beautiful none-the-less.  And at one point, Avi stopped in his tracks to ask why we were walking so fast.  Sam's reply, "We are walking at a normal pace!" 

Sam and I on the bus

As we were all cold and hungry we decided to grab fish and chips from a chippy (a British term for a fish and chip shop) down the road from my house called "The Venice Fish Bar."  I'd not yet had their fish and chips but had heard they were amazing.  We jumped on the bus and off at the chippy.  There they freshly battered and fried three huge fish fillets for us and stacked each one onto a heaping bed of chips, topped them with vinegar and salt and wrapped them up in newspaper.  We walked up the hill to my flat and ate until we were full.  What a great way to end a day with friends!  

Fish and Chip GOODNESS!

**Shameless plug!! Since then, I've tried several different versions of the same meal other places around London and nothing seems to quite measure up to the fish and chips of Little Venice!

The Great Walk

This semester flew by quicker than I expected and I suddenly realized that it's been months since my last post.  I've missed blogging and how it acts as a reminder of where I've been and how I've grown and changed as a person.  One of the reasons we grow is because we encounter others in our lives that push, stretch, and challenge us to be more than we think we can be, or maybe they help us reach our true potential.  I've met some incredible people while I've been in London and I'd like to share some of the best days I've spent here.

The Great Walk

As promised, Avi, I'm finally blogging about "The Great Walk."  Towards the tail end of Christmas break I had decided that I was going to figure out a walking route to the school because I was tired of waiting for the tube.  (It takes me 40 minutes on the tube and 30 minutes on foot to get to class, hmmmm?!)  And because, let's face it, if my flat didn't have a giant skylight I would have had a serious vitamin D deficiency because I rarely left the place over break.  I needed to get out.  My good friend Avi had offered to show me Hyde Park and so I asked if he would come with me.  Something you have to know about Avi is he's very knowledgable and is passionate about passing that knowledge along, which means inevitably there will be a quiz at the end.   And seeing as how I can only remember the names of two of the four corners of Hyde Park,  I may have to google that business.  

Moving on.  

Long story short, I had never been down to the Thames or to Westminster Abby, and I had only ever glimpsed Big Ben out in the distance, from Trafalgar Square.  Basically I hadn't done all the really fun touristy things you're supposed to do when in London.  Avi suggested we go to the water and I was game.  Having left everything at home save my phone and keys, I insisted that we skip the tube and walk.  I didn't want him to have to pay for me to ride the tube because it is kind of a rip off to buy a ticket for a single ride.  So we walked.  And walked.  And walked. At one point I got impatient because the water seemed so close but we were not going straight there. Later I found out the reason why.

When we got to the Thames and the tide was low and it was spitting; a term the Brits use to describe a sprinkle.  Avi suggests we sit and I insist that we keep going...he keeps doing this as well as periodically telling me that we're walking to fast.  I kept thinking to myself, what's his deal, I'm fine, lets just get there.  What I later realized about Avi is that he's they type of person who tries to make the most of every minute.  I often refer to the book "The Pokey Little Puppy" when trying to explain what it's like walking with him. He doesn't walk, he moseys.  He is frequently behind if we are walking in a group and have no immediate destination, because he is taking in everything around him.  Although I have an eye for small details, I often miss really BIG things because I'm more focused on the destination rather than the journey.  

Big Ben

A prime example of this would be the fact that we were sitting on a bench at the back of Westminster Abby and I had no idea, it was so plain and unassuming, nothing grandiose about it at all.  As we walked around the side of the church I realized where we were and I had this ridiculous grin on my face and then I felt terrible for being impatient.  Avi confessed that he had been trying to be discrete about coming here so that it would be a surprise.  He thought I would recognize the church. So we crossed the street and sat across from the church and Big Ben for a while taking it all in.  Pretty incredible stuff!  From there we could also see the London Eye across the river and in the distance St. Paul's Cathedral sat quiet and proud amongst colorful lights, it's dome simply lit.  As we walked and the river snaked and meandered, the dome floated back and forth on the horizon.

We kept walking because, well, why not.  As we walked Avi named off each bridge we passed and continued to keep an eye on our pace to make sure we weren't walking too fast.  I pointed at one bridge and asked if it was the one that had been destroyed by Death Eaters in Harry Potter (Yep, I did just say that!).  He had no idea what I was talking about.  I insisted that there is a walking bridge that crosses the river and it was on Harry Potter, and everything on Harry Potter is true and accurate, duh!! Okay, I realize that's ridiculous, but the bridge does exist.  After making "Y" shapes with my hands and describing what the bridge looked like, we actually found it and discovered that it's called the Millennium Bridge.  It had been built for the Millennium Celebration in 2000 and has become a permanent fixture. I had been wearing flats all day and was less than prepared for "The Great Walk."  By the time we got to Millennium Bridge I was pretty quiet.  Having started out the day unusually (okay maybe not unusually) chatty, at this point it was crickets in comparison.  I was loving every minute, but was coveting every motorized scooter we passed, I have never before in my life given such serious consideration to mugging a senior citizen.  
It was dark now and we had been walking for about 3 hours.   I climbed the steps and stood that the foot of the bridge and waited as Av threw something in the garbage.  As we began to walk onto the bridge Avi asked if I saw it?  My initial thought was, yeah, I'm standing on it.  Then he pointed behind me and there it was in all it's glory...the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral towering over me, brightly lit against the dark sky.  I was so tired I didn't see it!  I freaking LOVE Mary Poppins and could sing "Feed the Birds" to you BY HEART!!  (I know my dad would be proud!) And have...to several unsuspecting people who were with me the next time I was near it.  No joke!  And here I am standing in the shadows of the Cathedral, the Cathedral and I'm so tired, I don't even see it.  That's some blind spot!:)

St. Paul's Cathedral

We walk over the bridge to the other side of the river.  This is where The Tate Modern sits, a huge old power plant converted into a modern art museum; it's open late tonight, but we decide to skip it.  As we walk we pass men selling cinnamon roasted peanuts which makes it smell amazing, well for me at least, Avi is allergic and less enthusiastic about the smell.  We walk beside The Globe Theater and sit for a while.  I was surprised at how quite it was on a Friday night.  London is such a big city, but it has a distinctly different pace.  It has the hustle and bustle of a major metropolitan city, and yet there is something reserved about it.  Everything begins to close down around 11 and the tubes make their last run at 12:30.  London puts itself to bed at a respectable hour.  

Tower Bridge

We pass several other bridges until we come upon Tower Bridge.  During the Olympics, this was the bridge that boasted the olympic rings.  Needless to say, it's massive.  We started to cross the bridge but had to stop at one point because the bridge was raising so a boat could pass.  We crossed and ended up on the other side where The Crown Jewels are kept.  I'm not going to lie, by that point, I was done.  We took the tube back home and I was praying that the walk up the hill to my house went quickly.  When I got home I put on the most comfortable shoes I could find because I felt like I had just walked around London bare foot.  Avi was nice enough to make dinner because he could tell I was exhausted.  

The next day Avi sent me an email with the route we had walked mapped out on Google Maps.  It turns out we walked just over 10 miles that day.  Not to shabby!  I've posted the link below so you can see "The Great Walk" for yourselves!  

http://goo.gl/maps/tAVQs

I'm grateful to have friends who are literally willing to go the extra mile with me in order to help me make the most of my time here!  

London In Retrospect

Having been in London for a little over four months now, I've taken some time to reflect back on my experience thus far.  It seems that my first semester of school flew by and I've already started second semester, where has the time gone?  London has offered me plenty of adventure and misadventure, but on the whole has welcomed me with open arms and treated me like an old friend.  

As I've said first semester flew by in a kind of whirlwind.  Between finding accommodations and starting classes my plate was quite full.  Having finally found a place to call home, I was able to settle into a routine quite quickly and learn my way around the city.  For the most part I did little exploring, as I was acclimating to the copious amounts of reading and writing required by my program and allowing myself time to take everything in.  I knew there was no rush to see the city all at once, as I would be here for a year, so I could take a leisurely pace and not run myself into the ground trying to cram in all the sites!  

Classes proved to be interesting, while the coarse work was challenging and rewarding.  My professors are some of the most incredibly knowledgable people I've ever met.  They all bring different experiences from various areas of the art world, as they are all still working for galleries, museums, foundations, philanthropists etc. as well as teaching.  My favorite class last semester was Art and Its Histories with Dr. Deborah Schultz.  This class focused primarily on philosophies of aesthetics, as well as theories and analysis of art.  Dr. Schultz, who earned her PhD in Art History from Oxford University, is incredibly knowledgable and was able to help us navigate the weighty material of philosophers like Kant, Hegel, Panofsky and Wollflin.  I enjoyed this course not only because of the content but also because of its structure; the dialogue and collaborative nature of the class allowed us to interact with the information in a more comprehensive way, making abstract concepts tangible.  I was also surrounded by incredibly intelligent women who provided varying insights and thought provoking commentary in every class.  

Due to the fact that I'm studying Art History many of the classes took place in galleries or museums throughout London.  One of the major benefits of public art is that most of the galleries and museums are free to the public and/or students.  I have had the privilege of seeing some of the greatest art in the world as part of a class or as a requirement for an assignment.  Outside of this I didn't venture out a great deal.  I took a few trips: one to Norway, another with my cohort to Venice; again seeing some incredible art, architecture and history, along with some small day trips to places like Cambridge and Oxford.  Needless to say there was plenty going on without my having to seek out extra outings, so when Christmas break rolled around, it was welcomed!  I spent much of the break reading, sleeping and relaxing.  I let myself do whatever I felt I needed to do...so I took lots of naps!!  I also got to talk to my family and friends back home via FaceTime and email, which was wonderful!  I used this time to take in all the things I had experienced over the last few months as well as consider what comes next for me once school is done.  I did quite a bit of thinking about my thesis topic, as I had considered changing it, but feel certain that I am going to stick with my original idea dealing with the iconography of Christ, something which is incredibly interesting to me.  

Towards the end of break I got out and saw more of the city.  I can honestly say that I LOVE London!!  It is a beautiful place full of warm, friendly people, history, culture and diversity!  It feels more like home than I could ever have imagined and I'm looking forward to the next nine months I get to spend here. I also feel blessed by the relationships I have formed here.  The Lord has surrounded me with smart, kind, wonderful friends who are thoughtful and considerate.  People who are intentional, who go out of their way to listen, talk, laugh and be together as we share this experience.  People who challenge, support and encourage me, and who are equally passionate about their own purposes and pursuits. 

I find that there are times I can't believe that I'm really doing this; living out the dreams the Lord planted in my heart at such a young age.  However, for the first time, in a very long time, I have a sense of contentment, peace, and joy!  I feel myself coming alive and growing as each day brings new opportunities, challenges and insights.  It's as though a part of me had been sleeping and is finally awake!